Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if only i could text you this smell
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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