worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
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Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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