I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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