So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
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You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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