These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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