He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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