I think im going to throw up on grandma
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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