connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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