Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize