I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize