I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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