I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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