im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize