I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what day is it and did you see me today?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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