I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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