Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Couch. On fire.
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