Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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