Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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