well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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