I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize