I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
