I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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