What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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