ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
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She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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