Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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