I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
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he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
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The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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