I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
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You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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