My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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