Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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