if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
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omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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