You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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