you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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