I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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