either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
