have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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