I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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