I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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