Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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