Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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