if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
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apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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