Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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