a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize