I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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