yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The air taste purple.
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