Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
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you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
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it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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