I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
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His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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