really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
