just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
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I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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