Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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