I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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